I let my heart break
over a lost father I barely knew
all the while pinning blame to my mothers sleeve

I am not sure I am ready
to turn back clocks
or erase pain that felt like gasoline dousing me
until I caved to the twisted truth
that not everything that happens
can be placed securely in named spot

I miss German chocolate birthday cakes
sneaky smiles from across the room
momma letting me bend rules because I am the oldest.

I miss well intentioned IOU’s
in my Christmas stocking
late night Turkey Dinners
the kind that start prep at noon

I do not miss the disappointment in your voice
the curled lip when I refuse to fold
never caving to your interpretations of my “imagined” pain

At 44 I learned that while you might not have lied
you certainly have a knack for bending truth

I am not sure I will ever escape the guilt I feel
over feeling things you thought I aught not have felt
while I was dealing with things I didn’t know how to process
and you were helping in the only way you’d ever been helped

I can still hear you chewing ice
if I let myself
I guess you had coping mechanisms as well?

Everyone in the family has some spin
on the black sheep I am
and my imagined struggles

I guess the way you see it
I let my heart break
————————————————————————–

My Dearest Mother
If we never speak again
know I am trying