i am haunted by humans*;

follow a trail of laughter

not my own on my way back

from work, eyes smiling

with the memory of the way

she stole my planner and

wrote ‘my birthday! ;)’ on

every wednesday except

for the one in the week of her

actual birthday, which fell

on a tuesday, of all days

 

i am haunted by humans

spill water down

my chin as i drink while

imagining his eyes as he

asks me how i’m doing

in my relationship with God

and i keep having to

say ‘i have a lot to work

on’ and he will tell me

‘it’s okay, it’s okay

me too’

 

i am haunted by humans

shoulders drawn up defensively

recalling th way she

stared at the side of my face

while scratching on the chalkboard

of my insecurities

with the sentence

‘i don’t think you are letting

yourself want this’ because i

wasn’t, still can’t let myself

dream of things it might

cost me a lot to keep

 

i am haunted by humans,

or better yet, how

they made me feel

how i let them in

just to push them

away when they

made me feel too much

i have only ghosts with

me, now

i have only spectres

following me around,

whispering of love behind

every corner, fata morganas

of the closeness i crave

 

dreaming of an oasis

is better than none at all

if i tell myself i am drowning

maybe i can forget my

sandy tongue

maybe i can forget

the thirst

 

*last line of ‘The Book Thief’ by Markus Zusak