i have built a wall around me

and i am living from within

wrapped myself up tight in the busy recesses of my own mind

set myself on auto pilot and i’m slowly checking out-

waiting for the walls to crumble.

tired of air seeping in

but dutifully and uncontrollably i inhale it-

tense, sweet, stifling-

i breathe anyway-

sometimes holding the exhale as long as i can

before i have to draw up again-

suck up that cool breeze called air-inhale the life i need so desperately-

i breathe anyway.

i have tried to contain the demons marching around my heart

calling me into the darkness-

i have pulled myself up out of the mire many days

and resurrected the smile i used to carry-

keep in my pocket like a ray of sunshine and hope

but the tide came too far ashore

and pulled the sand out from under my feet

now i sit contemplating how high this wall has grown-

how deep this pit has become-

but i breathe anyway.

i have tried to call in the calvary-

to claim my stake with the romeos of the past

but each one faded into the sidewalk and got covered over

with busy lives and untold schemes;

carrying in their backpacks little pieces of my heart-

some owning bigger chunks than others-

silently retreating to their own guilded corners of the world.

did they care at all?

do they even know that i’m inside these walls crumbling piece by piece?

oozing into the deep dark earth like time-

disappearing way too fast –

and i breathe anyway.

i have looked to friends-

to the faces of my sister/friends who think i am the life of the party-

who keeps them laughing when i’m broken inside;

i have screamed it from the rooftops-

gone banging on doors in the middle of the night

crying for my sanity-

pleading for the calm quiet to begin

but the peace snubbed its nose at me and waved its middle finger-

and look at me-

i breathed anyway.

holding onto a psychotic illusion-

a fantasy gone wild-

living under the guise that one day i’ll be happy

and free with no need to breathe at all.