When the pastor prayed over me in front of the church
and kept repeating let it go,
I was thoroughly confused.
And when a mother of the church corrected me saying,
“When the Lord wants you to let something go, you let it go!” –
it became obvious that I had no concept of what letting go meant.
I told her that if I knew what I was holding, it would be easier to release it.
Everyone seemed to see what I was holding except me.

No more instruction came.

Surrender, like freedom or love, is natural for some people.
None of those things are natural to me.
Surrender is a foreign concept
because I’m a natural holder.
At any given time I am holding
Keys, a phone, a pen, a pencil.
I’m holding it together.
I’m holding your attention.
I’m always holding something.
I check my hands when checking out in a store
because holding things is so natural to me
that I don’t realize when something is there that shouldn’t be.

I hold tightness in my back, shoulders, neck, and legs.
hold thoughts in my head because I don’t want to be misunderstood.
hold desires because I don’t want to speak them and be made to feel ashamed.
hold anger because I don’t want to confirm any stereotypes.
hold sadness because I don’t want to appear weak.
hold accomplishments because I don’t want to be seen as proud.
hold happiness because I don’t want to be viewed as a green.
have to pay attention to everything that I am.

It gets expensive, but I lie and say that
I save so much energy when I hold myself in.
But I become bankrupt of human experiences because it is impossible
to be both free and held.
And that’s the part: I don’t totally trust the Holder to actually keep me.
I don’t trust zero gravity, so I
hold on.
But this ferocious holding has almost killed me.

The trip to the emergency room helped me begin to understand that
knowing when to give up, give over, and give back
is a survival skill.
Empty hands
Open heart
Free falling

“For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” – Colossians 1:16-17