NOT MINE

I felt your hands once, but not as a friend or lover.
I felt your body pressed against mine, in a game of moves
and counter moves.
Silently, secretly… I wanted you to stay there forever.
To embrace you, to feel the warmth and the rightness of you.
I cursed the mocking hands of time as your comforting presence left mine,
reminding me of the void within that I had forgotten so long ago.

I felt your arms around me once or twice,
feeling slightly more than a cordial embrace.
I closed my eyes and breathed you in, not wanting to say goodbye.
I couldn’t tell you that my arms didn’t want to let you go,
I couldn’t tell you that my heart hoped you didn’t want to let go of me, too.
So I smiled and laughed, a carefully constructed mask put in place.
You could see me, but not the tearing of what I felt underneath.
The need to protect you was a compelling force, so a facade went up,
and every handkerchief of interest I could drop stayed within my pockets.

I think of you every day, though I shouldn’t.
Nothing inappropriate or improper, but even so…
You are not mine, so I cannot be yours.
Not even in my dreams.
The truth of that ringing the bluest of tunes through the hollows of my soul.
Though love does not truly hold your heart,
I do not wish it to ever be broken.
Stand tall and strong, man of the earth, for you are.
You are like the Oak tree who has learned to bend as a Willow.
What draws me to you, if not this kind of strength?

I do not know if you see me from afar, or if you even think of me.
Selfishly, I could hope for that.
But I am not selfish, nor can I make you see me if you do not already.
I do not have a halo of light surrounding me,
nor an air of superficiality pouring from my being.
Just because I yearn for you – though I can never tell you –
doesn’t mean I’m the kind of woman you would ever yearn for in return.

These feelings are irrational and illogical, I know.
I do not know you or your depths, nor do you know me or mine.
And yet I wish… I wish I could know you and all the secrets you hide.
I would guard them with my heart, with my life.
I wish you could know me and the abyss of secrets I hold,
but only if you would guard me with your heart and your life.
I wish for the opportunity to discover what could’ve been,
if time and circumstance had been on my side.
Insanely, impossibly, I feel as though you are my missing piece.

No… it is not a delusion, nor am I insane. I feel the impossible truth of it.
Somehow, you could complete the puzzle that is me.
If you should ever find yourself free, think of me.
If you were mine, I could be yours.
Together, we could discover the worlds that lay at our feet,
and we could know an all consuming love,
that not even eternity could quench.

 

— Saskia Lynge / Hour 2