WHERE THERE IS LIGHT

The constant of time is staggering, bewildering, and heartbreaking.
So tonight, I will time to stop. I do not ask, I do not beg, I will it.
Just for a moment.
Let me sit in the stillness of a void I cannot explain.
Let me feel what I need to feel to move forward, to let go, to hold on,
without the rushing noise of the world nipping at my heels.

In my perpetual silence, please hear all the words I want to say, but can’t.
Not because words fail me, but because there are too many.
You were just a child when I let a Jezebel exile me.
I was torn between two choices, but wanted nothing more than to stay.
Foolishly, I let her win at her devious game.

In my absence, please know there’s no place I wish I could’ve been more.
You were my family, my brothers.
You still are – though you are all grown now and I am so far away.
So many years I missed, watching you grow up from the shadows.
Always proud and always cheering you on.
The what-if’s still haunt me, like orbs of darkness in the corners of my eye.
Perhaps one day, you’ll know the truth,
then perhaps I can forgive myself for not being who I thought I would be.

I have raged against heaven.
I have fought with God for answers and vindication –
I begged for years to return home, to return to you,
but his answer was “no”, and I do not know why.
My life has never been my own, obedience was paramount.
And one cannot fight God and win.

But for you, I tried.
I beat the gates with steel fists and stormed the streets with iron boots.
In my defeat, know that every blow, every strike,
every plea was felt and heard.
God did not answer lightly or cruelly.
The decision wasn’t completely his as he cannot rape man’s will.
Perhaps one day hope can rise from the ashes of what was stolen.

Eternity now sits around my neck,
like an infinity scarf, warming me from grief’s chill,
as I wait for the day I tread upon the head of a hissing snake
and destroy the nest of spiders beside it.
Yet within the light of eternity,
within the light of every rising and setting sun, I think of you.
And though my heart bears the weight of deferred hope, I smile.
Because you are a sun in a very dark world.
And where there is light, there will always be love and hope.

— Saskia Lynge / Hour 9