The words
flow from my fingers
like waterfalls;
Clear and fast, loud and refreshing.
I am setting my mind free of burdens;
guilt and shame that would darken my days.
I am building poems
like homes;
Strong foundation, beauty entwined, complete.
I collect wisdom like seeds
and plant them every step I take.
Weeping Willow trees grow.
Orange flowers bloom.
I visit whenever I feel lost
which is often.
This is nice. Subdued and yet thought-provoking as I imagine myself, gazing upon my sunflowers, seeking that same serenity.
Thank you. I’m going to try to plant sunflowers next year along my fence!
You’ve created some good imagery. But I’d like to know more to complete the image, make it more vivid.
For example,
“The words
flow from my fingers
like waterfalls.”
Great image and use of alliteration… but what kind of waterfalls? Small? Tall? Large? Loud? Soft? What color? What sound? Just one descriptive word or phrase to help me experience the waterfall through one of my senses and get a better sense of how the words are “flowing from my fingers.”
And the next line:
“I am setting my mind free.”
I like the use of a verb that gives this action immediacy. But where was your mind before it was free? Maybe a descriptive word or phrase in front of the word “mind” will paint a better picture but you could also say something about your mind before or after its freedom. Maybe tap into an emotion? Don’t overthink it or over do. Just a word or two to draw a more complete image.
“I am building poems
like homes.”
Again that since of this happening now as we read it points us to what we are reading. And you created a simile. Could be enriched with descriptions of the building, the poems, or the homes. Maybe consider what dwells inside the poems built. Just one word or phrase.
“I collect wisdom like seeds
and plant them all over.
Weeping Willow trees grow.
Orange flowers bloom.”
Good use of simile. Better developed image — weeping willow and orange flowers grow and bloom from the seeds you plant. And there is symbolisms in these two images. Can you find other words to use besides “all over?” This phrase is not as strong as the other words in this group of lines.
“I visit whenever I feel lost
which is often.”
I like the idea of visiting the seeds, the wisdom planted and finding something of self. Lends poignancy to your poem.
Thank you for your feedback. I really struggled this year. I will try all this/