i tell myself that you are blissfully happy

i breathe that mantra into my lungs

like air

to keep me away from the phone

away from the memories

i tell myself that you have everything you need

exactly where you are and that your space is full-

even crowded without me.

i inhale the moments when i thought you were

life itself-

and quickly remember the hours when you brought death to me.

i remember still that you couldn’t articulate it well

but in some small corner light bloomed and i’ll never forget

that day;

the moment i understood,

the moment i separated truth from illusion-

the moment i felt myself falling-

through time and space-

through earth’s door.

i remember how it felt-

bundled and full but

empty and unraveled all at the same time.

blissfully happy is the mantra i tell myself-

you have everything you need

exactly where you are-

and that your space is full-

even crowded without me.