The Poetry Marathon

“Books were safer than other people anyway.”  – Neil Gaiman

I was often bullied for this but

I liked stories and sad music

And maybe I was bullied

for being weird

More than my tastes in literature

But at least with a book

If it made fun of me

I could put it down

And walk away.

Putting down a bully

Was heavily discouraged

And thus impossible to walk away from.

At least with a book I could travel

And visit far off lands and times

With people I’m stuck here

As me

In this time alone sometimes.

At least with a book comes a warning

Foreshadowing this dog may die

The pain hurts just as much

But I was expecting it

So it’s half over

When it starts

But people

People are so

Complicated and

They don’t telegraph it

When it’s almost over for them

Books were safer than other people

Anyway, that’s how it feels.

Cw: this poem contains mentions of unhealthy eating habits that may trigger readers who have eating disorders or have suffered from eating disorders. If you struggle with eating disorders or suspect you might have an unhealthy relationship with food, please contact a nutritional health care professional.

I feel empty

Finally

As though I am not full

A pang of hunger stirs me

And twisted pride burns like coal.

I need to eat something

To keep from passing out

But as long as I drink water

I’ll keep the calories out

And finally be thin enough

Thin enough at last.

This is enough for 3 days

If I pace it out

…

I couldn’t stop the monster

It rose up again.

It ate both of the fruit in whole

My count is in the hole

Finger down the gullet

Because now I just want

Cake

…

Feeling empty sucks

But it’s better than reality

Than being fat and ugly

I just wish I could escape

The monster who makes me binge.

…

I told my doctor what the monster did

And she hugged me

She brought me a granola

And wrapped me in a blanket,

Dialing a number to

Hunt the monster down

She didn’t let me leave

Until I choked it down.

And asked me to tell her

How food made me feel.

…

I cried for hours after

I felt so much safer.

The monster is still there

Waiting in the mirror

But my doctor helped me

Learn how to lock it down.

A moment is undefined time

And that’s the life I live

Moments

A day feels like a year sometimes

A month feels like a minute

I could spend 20 years

Ironing out my words

Only to be startled

By the revelation that it’s been

An hour.

The day they appeared

It wasn’t all at once.

Some appeared in tandem

but most, most were static

All were the same icy blue

And through them came the shadows

Harmless shadows

latching on

To our own shadows

Some gained many shadows

Some gained only one.

A hierarchy formed,

the more you had the better

And more portals  each day

Brought more shadows

The bottom tier could pick on me,

because the day the portals appeared

My shadow vanished.

And fed up, I ventured, wondering

“What happens if I go through a portal?”

Each answer we give changes the path we take

Whether we say yes or no or nothing changes fate

And sometimes I think about the times

Where I should have said yes.

When I could have made things better

By following my truth, er rather

The truth

Letting myself free for things

That weren’t my fault

And accepting responsibilities

Like yes I can lead that project

Or yes, I can stomach College

In Chicago, far from family

With many student loans

To get a degree that I desired

My life would be quite different but maybe

I’d be happy… or worse

Maybe I’d still be sad, but alone this time.

I don’t like to go outside

I can see them watching

Not them exactly, who knows their faces,

But the cameras stick out

And I can feel them

Staring.

So I just stay inside

And watch the world pass by

on a grainy screen.

The children of Sienna

Are each marked apart

From normal human children

With silver bands tattooed

Innocuous, wrapped around the toes.

The children of Sienna

Are taught in the finest schools

Alongside elites of the highest orders

Living lives of luxury while adding new bands

Year by year to mark their growth.

The children of Sienna

Have thicker bands for higher marks

In their high level courses

They’re kept secret from the masses

Once they graduate.

The children of Sienna

Are known to me because

I married one with 25 bands of silver

Going up his legs

And now our children are also

Children of Sienna

Rainbow filling spaces and arcing

Through the pregnant clouds above it

Or is that just the slice of

Sun upon silver blades

Melting clouds and storms

Indescriminate

Yet starkly

Contrast

Grass

Huddled together

The cygnets dance

Across the lake

Careful, unaware,

That they swim right in

To the maw of death

A cavern of teeth snap shut

Leaving only feathers

And a single duckling,

Saved from the crocodilian reaper

By cygnet’s disdain for his yellow feathers

Like pressed flowers on the page

Transparent and delicate

My rage, a fragile needle,

Surrounded by the blossomed sorrow

That lead to a pointed attack.

It’s beautiful and useless

and all I can do is seethe

A despairing azure blossom