hour 15: deep breath

It’s time
She walks in the room and I’m hanging out
Books line the wall but I’m just sitting here
I’m looking almost right at her, and she looks at me too..
but there seems to be something in between.
Stressed, pale and white like me
but there’s something different…
She’s not still. I want to help her.
She turns her eyes and I count for her,
1, 2, 3, 4, one, two, three, four
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6
She counts with me, but sometimes she doesn’t.
Sometimes she looks in the mirror while she does it and I think
It comforts her
And while I might not always know, 

I know she’s trying and breathing when she can.
She’s beautiful.
I hold it all for her when she can’t and I count till she’s back
1, 2, 3, 4, one, two, three, four,
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,

It’s time
It’s sitting there like a fly on the wall, the sheet
Waving back and forth– like a friend from far away
A certain nervousness in my stomach, one I really think has been fabricated through words from unaligned energies and pictures in places I didn’t mean to look at
I do listen, funny enough, but not when it’s staring me down like it is now,
Though I do try, and so, it’s there
Waiting for me to enter this blue room and hold it so – reading the words
and repeating them in my mind.
Counting, 1,2,3,4, hold, one, two three, four,
exhale, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

hour 14: hour 14

Hour 14 and it’s now like a drain, my brain
Working and focusing and the lack now shows
there can only be so much art in a day

hour 13: we win

a storm of feelings

but we’ll still win

how do i make it through from here

you might ask

and answer like i do

how is it so that i seem to think i know

but don’t do

and how may i still have more questions?

with your ability and everlasting will to answer,

i surrender

hour 12: the aces


fire and flame

shooting through smoke

they’re kicking ass and so am i

here we are at the court

i’m watching listening and paying attention now

things i’ve always struggled with

and there’s resentment there,

but when the beauty in the arena is this loud

i can’t help but dance

hour 11: time to go

a sigh

not of relief but of… tiredness

a sort of love in a sort of giving up

a laugh in the former weird silence i decided i manifested

i love making them annoyed and i love when they love me anyway

it is joyous to know it was all really made for me

sometimes still it all

but i am here and i will love again

hour 10: smile, exhale

There’s a timelessness in the sort of sorrow i’m feeling 

Will it last forever, end abruptly in this brain or simply outlive my bones?
Does it exist at all?
I feel all of this; and now, silence. 

Smile, exhale

Peace is here within the lights flickering and all
So long as I seek it, it will be found

I no longer want to walk in the webs

I stop in my tracks
Looking at the beautiful mess I’ve created 

Smile, exhale
And it goes

hour 9: imperfect yet tender

Waking up groggy to find a short sip of coffee
Hot yoga in the sunshine
Movies filling the silence mid afternoon
Peace in the fall and the rise

Remembering blue eyes on the beach not getting in the water
The present offers friendship in texts, tiredness and love
Space to find belief; cleaning and crying and singing
even if just inside

My step-mom and I are at the proverbial lamppost praying
I am whispering softly with the light
Then, a twist in the wrinkled energy
Now all anew

hour 8: as it pours

Roses and thorns
and roses again
Like the sun shines
as it always will
You show up in the
most perfect places
A scared breath
in a sacred moment
And if not yet,
then someday

hour 7: to forgive and build

what a time this is
of healing, sometimes desperation and sometimes calm
here in this house
there is peace, continuation and delay
only through the holy spirit, we roam and roam
sometimes only roaring like lions do
and sometimes building as Noah was taught too
here i lay it down and wait
slowly forgiving the past
and deciding what to make