Long after you were gone I still policed myself 

To fit your expectations. I couldn’t 

Shake the feeling that this was another test. 

 

So I behaved and repressed so I 

Wouldn’t have to feel your wrath – 

Long after it was clear you weren’t coming back. 

 

Now, I just hope you treat him better. 

It gives me some solace to think that maybe

I was the guinea pig you tested the limits on,

that I saved another from all of this trauma. 

 

I’m still learning how to not blame others for you. 

To not see pieces of you tucked in their smile

And clam up, immediately conjuring up what

Always came after that smirk. I can’t quite explain

The ways in which you made a smile seem dangerous. 

How that rewires the brain in the worst way. 

 

I can only hope that at least something good

Came out of all the pain – that you know now 

Breaking point of a person, and you’ll never push 

Anyone else quite so close to the edge.