Pardon me: or 11 things you’ll never hear Presidential Candidate Drumpf say.
“An extremely credible source has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud.”
Pardon me, I’m making this shit up as I go along.
“I am being proven right about massive vaccinations. The doctors lied. Save our children and their future.”
Pardon me, I’m not really an anti-vaxxer.
“I will build a great wall and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me & I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, & I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
Pardon me, for all the many many funny things about this.
My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.
Pardon me, I’m very insecure.
“My IQ is one of the highest and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”
Pardon me, I’m very insecure AND practising my standup comedy routine.
“President Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are founder and co-founder of ISIS.”
Pardon me, I now want you to know I was being sarcastic.
“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”
Pardon me, I’m obviously aware in this context, beauty is skin deep.
“26,000 unreported sexual assaults in the military. Only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together?”
Pardon me, I didn’t mean to imply rape is inevitable between men & women.
“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.”
Pardon me, I’m being a pervy old white guy.
“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
Pardon me, I’m being the most pervy old white guy anyone could possibly be.
“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”
Oops. Pardon me. He’s never going to say that.