Shadenfreude

My life is a mess
as one can guess
so humor me if you would
listen to my tale
and try not to pale
Trust this is gonna be good

So I smashed my face
on a couch today
Have the scrapes and cuts to prove
that one shouldn’t chase
the cat in a small space
This poem is not going to improve

I broke my own heart
(really not that smart)
but I thought it would be different somehow
What did I expect?
I was bound to get wrecked
Nothing I can do anyhow…

Then the family went nuts
and I ended up the schmutz
(It’s what usually tends to transpire)
Who cares about deadlines
or your ridiculous confines?
I’d be better off writing in barbed-wire

Then dramatics ensued
as they usually do
and I was thrown under the bus
When two people get pissed
The obvious is missed
Your dramatics I don’t want to discuss

So there was a load of wasted time
and assholes blowing up my line
(You’d think I was smart enough to shut off my phone)
But sadly you’re mistaken
A couple’s rage was awakened
Seriously after all this, my mind is fucking blown.

I threw out my back,
how about that?
Have you even cracked a smile?
What do I have to do?
Seriously…no friggin clue.
Unless you’re ready to hear this pile.

I’m so broke it’s a joke
I’d much rather a stroke
Than deal with anything more
But as my luck would have it
buried beneath all the bullshit
It’s no wonder I’m so fucking poor.

So I’m up all night
doing all this write
so tired my body feels like a vibe
some would find that kinky
but I’d much rather eat a Twinkie
and get some much needed shut-eye

I don’t know about men,
oh where do I begin
can I just skip this and go onto the next?
Let’s face it, I suck
and I have such shit luck
I’m almost postive I’ve been hexed

Speaking of hexed
let’s talk about my ex
(maybe I shouldn’t, he’s kind of a dick)
to give him this much
attention and such
perhaps I should break out the measuring stick?

I haven’t slept in days
and I’m feelin’ my age
Oh the joys of morphing into a fossil
Just don’t go digging me up
Don’t you dare, you schmuck
Thank God I’m not yet menopausal

So now that I’m lagging
on this marathon, (my ass is dragging)
I figured I’d bitch up a storm
In hopes that maybe
I’ll get a little hee hee
Shadenfreude has become an art form.

There is far much more
waiting outside my front door
Oh the fun and the joy that will make
As I finally come unglued
At the next friggin dude
Why? Because I’m still awake.

I let out a breath
because I got nothing left
My grey matter is just about spent
Trepanning or horseshoe scar?
Or perhaps a trusty crowbar
To thwart off anymore argument.

Feel free to laugh
because trust me, I have
(I seriously gave myself a black eye)
It’s time for me to go
perhaps sneak out my window
before anything else can go awry.