Alone

POEM 01

My first apartment and me fifty years old with too much stuff for this tiny enclosure. My heart aches for the house, my house that I lavished years and money and love

on. I miss its coziness. But sometimes comfort is so fleeting and useless. I’ve come to relish the solitude of this musty enclave. The quiet is welcomed after twenty years of Justin’s gargling and spitting.

Strangely I can’t think of any precious moments with him on this move-in day. My Ex, there’s no pleasure in such a claim, but marriages fizzle and people give out, give

up and move on.

I thought I’d reside in a plush house, my house, at fifty. Possessions are relinquished, dissolved, so resolute. All the baubles and trinkets gathered through vibrant years

of  joy and pain with just a smattering of regret, could not fit into this moldy crumbling building. It smells of years of other people, even with the peeling wallpaper having  been replaced.

The tree outside the cloudy paned window has been crippled, painted black to stop its thriving. So nothing thrives here?

Is that the Phoenix perched on the building next to mine? Is it poised to escape the ashes and mount the pale blue sky with thinning clouds to witness the flight? No its

just a metal sculpture of a crane rusted and dead after years of weather and rain.

The bathroom is remarkably bright and white though.; it, will be my refuge.

 

 

The circle’s endings and beginnings (reverse poem)

Endings.

Peace and quiet.

They’re anything but,

The raging storm that breaks through a ship.

They’re the grand culmination that completes your journey.

I would be lying if I ever dared to say to you that,

I hate them with my whole heart.

I adore them so.

I look in the mirror as I lie that,

Endings are just chaos and fire reigning the town,

Bringing the circle to a close.

But a circle does not end,

But a circle does not begin,

Sketching the first dot of the circle.

Mishaps and everyone finding their footing.

I’d be lying if I say that beginnings are only,

Small gasps of surprise and happiness.

They’re taxing and eating through your soul.

They aren’t just the first thing that comes to mind that,

They’re the adrenaline keeping you young.

Leaving your comfort space you call home.

They’re anything but,

Peace and quiet.

Beginnings.

NOW READ IT BACKWARDS! It’s a reverse poem.

~thryaksha 

Care En(d)

Here’s to getting that last bit

About how we were the better men

Losing not to the dark swell

Of hate and fear

But to the shining goal of being right

Even if we were wrong all along

We were right in our persistent notion

Self-righteous in the face of self-sacrifice

We were better men because we faced fear

Without pause and without care

Without care

We faced death and coughed

Hour 1 in 2021

Yay it’s a new year time for some new poems!! We will see how many I title XD

Hour 1

Endings

 

I heard it when they said “hello”

Felt the goodbye waiting in each sound

I tasted it in the tea I drank

The flavor of them leaving

I read it in a letter finished with love

Curved letters and a period to make note

I shouted it in joy before knowing

Sensed something was off but didn’t know

HOUR 2 The Manifestation in Reflection

A Manifestation of myself
 

The reflection of my own fiend insatiable

The meal presented at her ravenous hand
Darkness indeed enjoys company at its table
The alliance in extermination makes a merry band
 
The Imitation of me
 
By candlelight I’m served what I know it to be
Delightful pieces of well prepared culinary fair
Human flesh served on and inbibed silver cutlery
Our murderous innermost desires shared
 
The Reflection within
 
Civil conversation the second order of the day
Course after carnivorous course delightfully consumed
Listening carefully as details of the victim about us lay
A differance in termination I whole heartedly approved
 
The Mirror in Characterization 
 
We continue or the grim and savory feast
All the while circling each other’s hidden truths
I understand her silently screeching beast
As mouth after mouth we consume her victim tooth by tooth
 
The Perfection universal
 
‘Your methods of disposal rough yet effective
My own methods of vermin and swine removal not as refined
Do share your thoughts on bodily severance’ 
My own internal Serpant writhes
Dear sweet lady, your flesh to be parted and will be mine

Poem 1: Three Secrets, All Firsts

Three Secrets, All Firsts

I met Daryl McKnight in a shack at the dump on my last day

in Greeley. The moving truck was already packed with our home.

What does it say that my first kiss was a goodbye kiss?

Should I have seen the omen? What did I want to give away

besides the awkward press of our lips? I barely remember

the kiss, but can still picture the Black Widow

close by in the corner of the shed. I’d never seen a Black Widow before.

It took years before I realized how dangerous love is.

The first time I had sex, Glen and I were at a friend’s apartment

in El Paso’s east side. We went upstairs to Baron’s room

and took a shower. Together. Naked. I can’t remember how we ended up

under that stream of water, but I remember the shock

of his penis – the first I’d seen, and this one I confronted

up close and in person. Do all young women find

a penis a freaky animal at first? The first time

I got married, the invitation said we’d marry

“under the desert sky” — it was January, and the willow tree in our yard

was barren of leaf, so I tied a hundred colored ribbons to the branches.

The breeze lifted lifted them slightly above us. No matter how much

we decorate what is barren, that doesn’t bring it to life. I stood apart

on the patio after the ceremony and thought I just made a big mistake.

Please don’t tell anyone I shared this. No one needs to know

I started my marriage with regrets.

Hour #1 (On ending)

 

Lightly you strike me

With gentile confidence, a casual pause of thought

Knowing exactly when to hit me

To push you forward

Into that next

Here.

And for a while

We have a rhythm, you and me

Tap, tap, tap, tap—strike

But then,

You veer from our simpatico

Silence at first

So I take a long breath

Then I can feel in your touch something else

Angry, sweaty deliberation

Tic Tok, tick tok

The hour wants you now

And you will take it out on me

So the strikes become a beating

Can’t do, can’t do, can’t do

Punching like a desperate boxer

Knowing there’s no point

Because you can’t finish this.

Fenland

Quiet.
A whispering.
Moonlight makes ghosts of the reeds.
Mosquitos brush their toes against the surface
Of blood-dark water where
An eel chases shadows through the roots of ancient trees.
And a million tiny things are alive.

Quiet.
Or… not.
Quiet but for the noises
Of the pumps as they rip apart the soil
And drainage channels scar
The broken land. And the ancient trees have lost their voices.
And a million tiny things have died.

Quiet.
Now, so quiet.
Moonlight finds ghosts where once were reeds.
In dried-out carrs foxes carve their dens into
The starless midnight earth.
The blood has drained away – they said there was no human need.
And a million tiny things are ploughed away.

Lying–8am

I can’t explain
why I’m here
whether by someone
else’s hand-
or by my own design
I’m dying

Shunned by everyone
I once called friend
brother
sister
no one care about-
or for me
I’m alone

Choices I’ve made
Steps I’ve taken
anxiety
depressed
not sure of the destination
I’m restless and traveling

Easy to forge your own
path
make decisions
not look back
kept in the dark
no chance to save
I’m left to my own devices

Haven’t had to include you
Haven’t called you
seen you
touched you
and that’s ok-
I’m happy

Clock’s growing late
plans were made
deals sealed
offers made
quid pro quo
now it’s time to pay up
I’m free

No more pain
I can’t go any further
looked for rescue
and none came
cold, cold dirt
hides the shame
I’m underground

You couldn’t see I hurt
you hurt me
with your decisions
but that only covered up
I was hurting myself too
I had an addiction

I was suicidal
I was isolated
depressed-no hope at all
Broken- didn’t believe in myself
Happy-this was a decision made
with the utmost care

I guess I can finally explain
why I’m here underground
dead

Because I learned to lie-
And everyone believed me

–Inspired by Ty Herndon’s
“I am the Man”