Long Car Rides

They told me long car rides were the most painful,

the time when silence stirs sweet memories and

tears surge, those moments — raw, unavoidable grief moments 

 

They weren’t wrong,

No, those who had suffered lose before me,

were not wrong.

 

It has been two years since my mother’s passing,

and mostly I drive with the radio on,

the louder the music the better to subvert silence,

loud music to prevent the onslaught of tears,

that strike in the quiet, raw grief moments 

but sometimes 

I choose the silence 

I choose the silence to remember

to remember mom kneeling in the garden,

tending vegetables,

gathering clippings of yellow daffodils,

plucking ripe cherry tomatoes

 

I choose silence to remember

mom nestled beside her grandchildren, reading, singing…

I choose silence to see mom kneading dough,

spreading her love through cooking

I chose silence to listen to mom’s voice,

calling my name. I must strain to hear.

 

Sometimes,

I just chose silence on long car rides,

choose silence and tears to remember.