If I said I didn’t miss travel – I’d be lying.
I love vacations! But I don’t like flying.

I’ll tell you why I hate to fly.
It’s not because I think I’ll die.
Sure, it’s safe. I know we’ll make it.
It’s the other stuff. I just can’t take it!

Added fees for the extra bags.
Boarding passes. Luggage tags.
Long lines through security.
Showing passports and ID.

Taking off my belt and shoes.
Angry agents. Careless crews.
Long delays from wind and rain.
And that’s before I board the plane!

Once I board, it just gets worse.
Flight attendants acting terse.
Recycled air that stinks like feet.
Countless fart-stains on my seat.

Being stuck in the plane’s last row.
Middle seat. With no window.
A fat guy squished in next to me,
Who keeps on getting up to pee.

Broken seats that won’t recline.
The flashing “Fasten Seatbelt” sign.
Yapping dogs without a muzzle.
Half-completed crossword puzzles.

The old man who just drones and drones,
And doesn’t care that I wear headphones.
Who keeps on asking, “So, where ya headin?”
I just told him! But he keeps forgetting.

Constant bumps from peoples’ butts.
Snack bags “filled” with five peanuts.
Passengers who are barely dressed.
Fighting for that one armrest.

Being stuck in the plane’s back section,
Stressed about my tight connection,
As old folks with nowhere else to go,
Take their time and walk too slow.

Food that tastes like mushy wood.
In-flight movies that aren’t good.
Weirdos on my shoulder sleeping.
Constant whirs and dings and beeping.

That one dude eating a tuna sub,
Now the whole plane reeks like a sea lion cub.
Or the gal who packed her own bag lunch,
And is chomping pickles by the bunch.

Overhead bins that are always full.
Blankets made from itchy wool.
First time flyers scared of flying.
Babies who will not stop crying.

The jerk who won’t get off his phone
And makes his conversation known,
But when asked if he’s in “airplane mode”,
Gets loud and angry like he may explode.

Old tray tables that keep on sticking.
Toddlers who will not stop kicking
Not enough air, or way too much.
Plus, coughing, sneezing, germs and such.

All these things are the reasons why,
I absolutely hate to fly.
So many things that I can’t stand.
The one part I like though? When we land!