The Poetry Marathon

It’s night time once more
and I’m just leaving my place
I’m on the prowl once more
for something that will satisfy
my soul

It’s storming out
perfect
just heightens
the desire
the chase
the game

I know what I’m looking for
I know what I need
I also know where this night
will end

Dodging around puddles
listening to the cracks of thunder
that fill me with such yearning
I’m almost there

There it is-
my destination is that door
hardly noticed
non-descript, ordinary
door

Three knocks and I’m in
my coat has been taken
and I’ve been shown my table
in the corner, quiet
private

“What will it be tonight Ma’am?”

I barely glance-
I’m not in the mood for
a drink

“The usual.” I snap
and he runs off, eager to
do my bidding

“Hello, Ma’am” He waits quietly
for my attention
My look
My instruction

I glance at him
He’s cute
In an adorable way
Self assured
confident
but a little too cocky
and I know how to deal
with him.

“You’ll do. Follow.”
standing up we left

Outside the rain is lighter now
the terms have been agreed on
and the payment exchanged
this is where the night will end

Kindness of strangers-9am

I’ve been walking all night
trying to find the right spot
no-
the perfect spot.

this will do, as I climb up
intent on this-
mission I’m on
no one will care

two quick swipes
hard enough to draw
the crimson relief
I need so badly

I need the other one
to complete-
but what’s this?!
a prick of alarm?

How can that be?
I’m intent on this mission
Aren’t I?

Maybe thinking wouldn’t
hurt so bad right now

Sliding down
slivers cutting into
my back
the wind’s picking up
sweeping past with a purpose

Hopeless I say aloud
as I start to cry

How’d I get to this point?
miserable
hurting
bleeding
alone

Jesus help me please
I’m bleeding
I’m scared
and I don’t
know how to hold on

There’s a begger coming
my way and I don’t know
if I have anything I can part with

Screw it. I’m wanting to
end my life
I got plenty.

He sat down next to me
took out a dirty rag and
started cleaning my wrist

“this wrist could be cleaned
a little better.”
I didn’t say anything and tried not
to cry.

In the middle of everything
going wrong
and nothing making sense to me
everyone treating me like a leper-

He was kind enough
to give me his dirty rag.

I can’t explain
why I’m here
whether by someone
else’s hand-
or by my own design
I’m dying

Shunned by everyone
I once called friend
brother
sister
no one care about-
or for me
I’m alone

Choices I’ve made
Steps I’ve taken
anxiety
depressed
not sure of the destination
I’m restless and traveling

Easy to forge your own
path
make decisions
not look back
kept in the dark
no chance to save
I’m left to my own devices

Haven’t had to include you
Haven’t called you
seen you
touched you
and that’s ok-
I’m happy

Clock’s growing late
plans were made
deals sealed
offers made
quid pro quo
now it’s time to pay up
I’m free

No more pain
I can’t go any further
looked for rescue
and none came
cold, cold dirt
hides the shame
I’m underground

You couldn’t see I hurt
you hurt me
with your decisions
but that only covered up
I was hurting myself too
I had an addiction

I was suicidal
I was isolated
depressed-no hope at all
Broken- didn’t believe in myself
Happy-this was a decision made
with the utmost care

I guess I can finally explain
why I’m here underground
dead

Because I learned to lie-
And everyone believed me

–Inspired by Ty Herndon’s
“I am the Man”

Happy
Nice
Polite
Perfect
Quiet

See the masks I wear
when I don’t want you to see
the REAL ME?

Everything I do to hide what goes on
behind closed doors

So many different ones
specifically designed to hide myself
from you

I’m afraid that you won’t like the real me.
that you won’t love the real me
Deep down inside I wanna scream at you
tell you

SEE THE REAL ME DAMN YOU

see that I am NOT happy
or perfect
I am sad
and I am imperfect.

I want you to accept me
but how can that happen
when you choose not to see
the real me

there comes a time-
When it doesn’t comfort-
doesn’t help-
doesn’t work anymore
There comes a time when
you know-
It’s time to move on
time to stop
time to put the past behind you
There comes a time
when someone comes
into your life
and inspires youto stop
This is your time to stop
to put it away to change
to move onto say-
I AM FREE!

The words that I just can’t say
Are the ones that would let you
in and leave me exposed
the one way that I am truly
vulnerable

The only thing that scares me
right now
the glint of metal
the sharp edge painful to the
touch
the edge coated with the red
paint of my body

As you can well guess
I’m returning to the signs of
the addiction
The want- no- need- to cut
to feel the pain
that little burning that signifies
the opening of the skin
to let the blood run free

Damn

Not a moment, second, an hour
goes by where I don’t think about
doing it.
Where I don’t think the irrational
thoughts again
All I want to do right now is die
I just want to be free

For Christ was born this day
And extended the most beautiful
Gift to you and I

It didn’t come wrapped
in pretty paper and bows
It came wrapped in his blood
In his sweat and in his tears

On this day, when Jesus
Knocks on your door
Will you let him in
Or slam the door in his face

I pray, you would open the door
Even if you already know him
Not because it’s right or proper
but because you want him to come in

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas
and happy new year

Remember:

If he knocks- Answer
If he calls- Listen
If he is silent- Seek him

what i would do-
just to go back in time…

Just to be able to-
save her
right my wrongs
do things over

What I would give
to be able to see her again

Trust

So Hard to give
Yet so easy to break
even easier to just shatter
Why would I give my trust

All I’ve had was someone
Tear it down
Rip it apart
Stomp on it
And leave it
to rot away on the floor

Never had someone
not stomp on it
or use it for a punching bag
So why would I give it?

You didn’t deserve it
but I gave it
I followed you around
Like some starstruck teen
and you used it

twisted it
around
for your own purposes
your own agenda

He didn’t deserve it
I gave it again
despite its fragility

He built it up
Just to watch it fall
as I lay there

Shattered
bruised and broken
but still there

still willing to give it
still willing to be opened
and stomped on
torn apart
and shattered

Has anything changed?
Its still there
still given freely
still abused

Still shattered at the end of the day

it seems like just last year
you were a little baby
brought into this world
all cute and adorable

I blinked

You started kindergarten
learning colors and ABCs
learning so many things like
reading, math, and sports

I blinked

You went to junior High
still cute and adorable
but with the addition of
an attitude

The whole world was against
you and you were trying to find
your place in this world

I blinked

So how is it that today
you’ve graduated high school
and we stand here celebrating

Where did the time go?