The Poetry Marathon

In the park,
under the street light
Same time, every week
we’ve met

We both know that
we shouldn’t be here
this is wrong
And I can’t keep leading
you on

my heart isn’t in this
relationship anymore
I know you think you love me
but you don’t

there’s nothing more I want-
then to be with you.
but there’s two others to
consider

She doesn’t deserve this
if you don’t love her anymore-
set her free.
if you do still love her-
go back to her and forget me

He’s been good to me
kept me warm and safe and dry
I don’t want to hurt him anymore
than I already have-

Please don’t make this
any harder than it already is.

I’ve tried to make you love me
and I know that you don’t
the secrecy is what made me
want you and I fell for you

No-
she doesn’t deserve to have
her life shattered
ripped open for everyone to
gawk at.

I’d have been good to you too
I can’t make you love me
I can’t make you stay
and I have to be ok
with that

farewell my love
when we leave
you’ll never see me again
you won’t remember me-
I’ll just be some guy
you used to know

Crying in the middle
of the night-
mama mama
where are you?
It hurts.

Whispered feet
on the carpet
Come now child
It will be alright
I’ve got you

Dark halls
Dark rooms
so warm-
I’m ok
wrapped up tight

smell of coffee
won’t lull me to sleep
it’s funny when you slurp

sshh sshh
I have you
close your eyes
you’re safe in my
hands

God entrusted you
to me because he knows
I can care for you

Swaying back and forth
humming
stroking my forehead
sleepy
so sleepy

mama, mama
it helps being in your hands
it doesn’t hurt as much now
just really itchy

Lifted up
whispered feet on the carpet
once more
kinda chilly

more humming
snuffling into my pillow
there you are Red Baby
I wondered where you were

mama, mama
will you stay with me
a while longer? Can’t hear you
Mama?

Dear church;

I have so many questions
so many things to find out
that someone needs to answer

Why do you love on me
so much?
Haven’t you been paying
attention to what I’ve done?

I’ve tried to get it right
time and again I’ve tried
but I can’t seem to
no matter what

Yet- you’re there
Its like everytime
I need someone
you’re there

It might not be the
person I want but
rather, the one I need

I can’t fathom
your love for me
it’s like i have other sets of
parents
grandparents
siblings
that I’m not actually
related to

you were there
through some of the hardest
times that I’ve ever
had to go through
yet you never complained

and I don’t get it.
Why?
can you tell me please?

I’m grateful for you
truly grateful
without you
I might have died
and left this world
a colder place.

So in closing,
I just wanted to say
thank you
for being you.

Love, Me

I’ve been through it
I don’t need it explained
I’d like to listen though
no judgement here

In a hallway
dark
dank
lonely
Holds the tears of the
many before us

I’ve done something bad
something that
I said I wouldn’t do
No one seems to care
But I tried to be ok

I tried so hard
oh I tried
I cried
I screamed
I tried so hard

I wait silently
barely breathing
patient
but still sure that you’re
going to yell

That must have been
so hard-
to search for someone
to listen only to
get turned away from

Bare arms covered in scars
some healed
some fresh

Do you see?
Do you?
Please tell me-
do you?

Others do-
and they shame me
every day for it
sneering at my lack of
self control

I understand now
my broken friend
you only cry for help
if you believe there’s help
to cry for.

You wanted to be heard
Not condemned
Not silenced
I hear you.

It’s been so long-
since she last saw him
so long since we said goodbye
Where did the time go?

She couldn’t live without him
She tried-
Oh she tried
But in the end-
she had to leave too

He’s had to say goodbye
how is that fair?
It was someone elses fault their
loved one is gone-
But he’s looking forward
to when they see each other
again

Can you even begin to understand
what these people feel?
what goes through their heads
when facing this situation

He’s old and in a nursing home
calling out for his wife
only to get shushed or comforted
by somone else
so he bides his time

She knows her time is near
and she’s been surrounded by
her legacy
she’s not going to cry
because she’s dying

She knows there’s going
to be tears when she’s gone
And she knows that they will
struggle to move on

She’s going to laugh
she’s going to shout
She’s going to be happy

for what a reunion that
will be

Mournful train whistle
headed out of town
Is there room for one
more?

My bag is packed
I have all I need
I won’t be returning
There’s nothing here
for me anymore

I need a change of scenery
I can’t stay here
May I board the train now?
I have my ticket right here
I don’t want to be late

Please Sir,
What’s the hold up?
I’ve heard the call
of all aboard
Please don’t leave me here
alone at the station

PLEASE!
I’ll do anything-
I’ve seen them board this very train
not long ago-
I have to find them
Let me through!

Standing there
trying to push through
I’ve seen them
I know I have
PLEASE!

I’m sorry miss
I can’t let you board
this train
You don’t have the
right ticket

Where this train is going
you won’t need that bag
It’s a one way trip
you won’t be coming back

They aren’t on this train
I don’t know what you
think you saw
but there’s nothing at this
station for you
Go home.

Yes they are!
I deserve to see for myself
I’ve heard the final call
Let me pass!

Go home child
You’re not ready for this trip
You think becasue you packed
a bag, this is a sleepover?
It’s not!

Try to understand-
I’m doing you a kindness
heed my words-
this train is not for you

Falling to my knees
begging please
I can’t stand to be here anymore
I know where this train is headed
and I want to go too

I know I won’t be back
I hurt for that
I know I can’t change my mind
once I’m on the train
and I am at peace with that

I can see you hurt for this
decision that I am making
and it IS my decision
I am making it free and clear

Give me your ticket
we will see
This train is not for you
but it’s not my choice

Nervously I wait-
The train’s been delayed
and that means angry people
but there’s only stillness

I’ve spoken to my boss
He says you may not board
Your ticket is not good today
maybe in a few years
you can try again

So there’s not room for one more
I’ve wasted your time
I had to be on that train
and now I have to wait

I’m sorry
I have to go
We’re pulling out
good bye!

Standing there alone
watching until you’re out
of sight
weeping silently

Mournful train
headed out of town
there wasn’t room for one more
But I snuck aboard anyway
at least a part of me

Don’t forget me

I wanted to die
I was so miserable
yet I was victorious
all I did was lay in bed

There were days
I lived in filth
dirty dishes
no where to sit
rotted food
trash

I couldn’t clean
I didn’t want to
I had no energy
to move my head
let alone my hands

I could be bothered
I didn’t see the problem
the filth-
I was blind to it all

I cried when I finally
saw the filth I’d been living
with

But I didn’t know
where to actually start
The mess was oh so overwhelming

There goes the rotted food
the dish in the sink
so tired
so tired

The smell
Oh God
the smell
Greasy hair
EEWW!!-
I think this
shirt is matted to my skin

I have a couch cushion now
Comfy
soft
That fuzzy blanket

The laundry is rioting again
on the chair
in the tub
on the floor and
under my butt

Sticky floors
a cleaned corner
of the counter
that wrapper can go
into the trash

What is that stain on my skin?
It looks like I’ve been rolling
around in the dirt

But the thought of a shower-
Too traumatizing now

Two hours later
and I’m still on the floor
towel clutched around
my naked body
I can’t do it

I’m so scared
I am fighting my own
head-
and what it’s telling me to do

I just want to breathe
Just breathe
Once
Twice
slow
slow

This shampoo
smells good
feels good in my hair

Maybe it’s ok to get clean
smell better-
maybe it’s ok

I smell better
clean clothes on
maybe grocery shopping

That means going outside
exercise
fresh air-

Am I ready for this?

I’m fine
I’m OK
Anything to keep you
from learning the truth
my dirty little secret

I’ve fallen once more
ruined my good work
and the bitch of it is
No one will know
understand
or care

I don’t know how to
explain it to you

It was an accident
simply an accident
I didn’t mean to
I just scraped it
when I fell

As I lay me down
down to sleep
pray that maybe
someday
you will understand
and I’ll be free.

Don’t try to save me
I’m beyond saving

There is nothing that
you can do-
I can’t be saved
Some people work that way

Some people
are just wired
to hurt themselves
They crave it

Like a puzzle peice
once missing
now snapped into place.

If you’ve never done it
You won’t get it-
And that’s ok.

I’d rather keep you in the dark
and have you blind than to drag
you into my hell.

Where things just don’t
make sense and where
people constantly accuse
and judge you-
but you’re the one who punishes

SSSHHH-
It’s OK
just go back to
sleep-
Everything will be ok in the morning

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord to keep my soul
If I should wake in the morning-
It will be a miracle

Huddled down there
in the dark
desperately trying to breathe
Is this really how I want to live?

I’m ok
I’m ok
I just have to get a grip on
my anxieties and
put them away in the box
and tape it shut.

Would that help?

I can’t stay here
I want to-
I want to see where life
takes you
But I can’t

Sounds so final
but you’ve made up
your mind
I can’t change it
But you can
Please, there’s still time

It’s not my choice this time
There’s no other way
It’s a fact of life
I don’t get a vote

I GET A VOTE YOU KNOW!
And I vote you stay
I demand you stay
Please
You’re going to be ok

Save your breath
I’ll get you anything you need
Just be patient ok?

Hello?
I’m calling you
answer me,
you there?

I’m here
I was just resting
I’m pretty tired today
Where were we?

I was scared a bit
You didn’t answer me
That bothers me.

I know it does
I can’t help it
You’re strong
You’ll be ok,

No, I’m not
Don’t say that-
Anything else is ok

I’m dying
and you need
to understand
what that means

I know what it means!
I’m not dumb ya know.
PROVOLONE!

Eh, Mozzerella.

I don’t want you to go
I want you to stay here
Here, please stay

I’m sorry for snapping at you
I just hurt so much right
now

It’s ok-
I understand
you’re tired Why don’t I let
you rest.
Love you

How could it still hurt
almost 3 years later
this bad?
Guess I’m not as over it
as I thought

I told people that I didn’t
understand and honestly
I guess I just didn’t want
to accept it

Needed someone so badly
that you swallowed your
pride and called them
despite them not feeling
the same

Been in love with someone
that you can’t have, because
someone else already got to
them first

Went out of your way to
spend time with them,
because you care for them
or simply because you love
them

whether as a friend,
a potential spouse
or because of the unique
spot they alone fill in your
life.

I can’t tell you how I feel
Because I’m so afraid that you’ll
ridicule me
tell everyone about it and
laugh

Don’t tell me there’s a chance for
us-
if there’s truly no chance
Don’t play with my emotions
just to wind me up and hurt me
I don’t deserve that.

I’ll take your friendship
If that is all you can offer me
I don’t want comfortable lies
I’d rather have brutal honesty