The Poetry Marathon

If I could make the clock unwind
If I could rewrite the story
the circumstances
Everything that’s happened

You’d be here

I would do so much different
I would spend more time with you
less with what didn’t matter

I’d treat you
like the queen you were
instead of the hag
I pretended you
to be

If only I could make the clock unwind
but that’s what makes regrets so bitter

I’m not gonna lie
This day really hurts this time
Because you aren’t here to celebrate
with us.

There’s no reason to buy
a card
a shirt
no reason to contact you
at all

You wouldn’t get it
Heaven doesn’t have
a phone number
or a way to contact you
You only exist now
in my memories

Everyone says
oh wow,
this much time has passed
You should be over the loss
by now
you shouldn’t be thinking about
or even mentioning him anymore

But how is that fair?
in this crazy, messed up world
How is that fair?

You were my father
you taught me so much
and you were and are the standard
by which I judge men.

I barely knew you
But I learned–
Oh I learned all about
you
and I learned well

I met you in church
Interesting place to meet
someone you could spend
forever with

I learned your secrets
as you did mine
we learned what made
the other tick

Ssshh don’t tell anyone that
secret-
they’d ostracize us both
I’m afraid
gossip about us
treat us like lepers

I knew you were married
But I considered you a friend
someone I could bounce ideas
off of-

that wouldn’t call me
dumb
silly
childish
or otherwise ridicule me

I don’t know when it changed
I would message you constantly
ask you how your day was
I couldn’t wait to hear back

I don’t know if this is one sided
I don’t know if you feel the same
I know I can’t do anything about it
I can’t even tell you.

There’s a question I have
and you can’t give me the answer
how could you?
You’d have to know the question first

How did I fall in love with you?

For Shania Rey; Whom I miss so much.

Dating
Going to prom
Pickin’ out colleges
Walking across the stage
You didn’t do these

This should have been your
day too.
the day to celebrate
the beginning of your life
like so many before you

We were supposed to watch you
grow up
learn
question
live

we didn’t get to watch you live
we didn’t get to do everything we
were supposed to do with you

you died.

Instead we celebrate others
in the same position
excited for the start of their lives
watching them grow and learn
it makes me hurt just a
little.

I’m happy for them
don’t get me wrong
it just hurts a little

A little all the time

Been a long, hard day
feel like I’m about to
drop where I stand

The jobs been tough
And normally I pull
through without a scratch
But tonight was the pits

Shoes are off
the bath has been drawn
steamy and fragrant
with peaches thrown
in

The fires been stoked
and banked
the lights are down low
A little bit of music on
softly

The snow’s raging outside
angry and churning
demanding someone listen to it
but I pay it no mind

A book to leaf through
before a long soak
While I take in the
near silence

No demands on my time
nothing else I’d rather do
off for the next three days

My recipe for a perfect
night.

It’s just not an easy word
It makes my skin crawl
everytime I hear it
Makes me cry because I know
You’re not coming back

I’ve gotten close to so many
Some are still here
some gone and
some are in transition
What a miserable word

I don’t understand how this
is part of God’s design for my
life.
Why does everyone do this?
why can’t you do the opposite?

Like a caged bird I have to
set you free.
I’d rather keep your feathers
bright and glossy
but I can’t

I’d rather you return to me
teach me more lessons
But instead-

I’ll see you coursing the skies from afar
never coming near again, but always there
on the outside looking in
there if I need someone to talk to
but not able to reply again

There it is again
my skin’s crawling
It’s getting closer and closer
Is there a way to push it back?

We’ve had a good run-
we’ve learned from each other
I’m not going to stand in your way
You have to go where led.

The time is at hand and I know
this is it.
I don’t want to say it
I can’t say it
I can tell you have a hard time
with it too.
Let’s just make it short and sweet

Goodbye

Hey you;

I wish I could tell you
it’ll be easy
everything will go your way
You’ll reach all of your goals-

I can’t

It will hurt
It will sting
it will make you cry

It’s going to make you think
It’s going to make you laugh
wonder why
stomp away
fight another day

Oh the many facets of life-

So many directions to go
so many paths to take
so many choices to be made
But this I know

It will get you dirty
it will take you places you’re not sure
you want to go
It will make you bleed

You’re going to hate yourself
love yourself
challenge yourself

The things you’ll see

will traumatize you
will drag you down
will make you want to die

But I know you will be ok
on the other side.

Love, me

What’s up everyone? I am here getting ready for the marathon; even though it doesn’t officially start for at least another…. 8 hours. I can’t wait. I have so many things I want to write about, and so much I want to get out there, that 24 hours just doesn’t seem to be enough!! I can NOT wait to read other peoples stuff and comment on it. and I hope people comment on mine. My hope is that I will get comments on AT LEAST 5 poems. If I don’t, oh well..

So to start it off:

Does anyone have any music that they are going to listen to get in the mood? I want some music suggestions. I have plenty of music; but sometimes, you need a new song to get the creativity running!

Can’t wait for the start!! GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!!!!

Amy (AutumnsOnlyone)

What have I done?

Swore I wouldn’t do it

Tried every way I could 

to avoid it

Tried so hard

I gotta step back

Think 

Take a breath

Let it out 

Shake it off

Calm Down

Trying to wrap my head 

around it

Trying to give it up

It’s hard-

The voice saying:

Take me

Do it

Pick me up

You know you want it

END IT!

“Yes,”

“Yes I do.” I say to myself

I do want to end it

Picked it up- 

turned it over and over

Felt the coolness

the power

didn’t tremble though

Not trembling

Not going to be weak

over it

done with it

dumped in the garbage can

step back

Take a breath

Let it out 

take another

Let it out

Shake it off

Back away

clench fists

sink to your knees

Scream

Was so close

Too close

Wanted it so bad

needed it so bad

Still trying to avoid

not sure how long

constant constant 

Everyday battle

Get up

dust off

save the fight

for another day

Hurts so bad

Want the pain

Want to be numb

Just not the stain

Gotta step back

Take a breath

Let it out 

works just a little

Still not in control

Still feeling bad

want the control

NEED the control

Still on my knees

Cant see cause 

the tears

Begging you please

Make me step back

Take a breath

Let it out

Shake it off

Let me calm down

I’m on the edge

I’m going to break

I’m going to fall

I can feel it

Sucks don’t it?

Work everyday

hard as hell

to shake it off 

but you can’t

Damn- Nothing’s going right

Everything’s a mess

I can’t do it anymore

everything’s out of control

I can take it anymore

Scream

Cry

Punch the wall

FUCK! It hurts

Laying on the floor

Staring up at the ceiling

exhausted beyond reason

Can’t do it anymore

Crying ever so softly

Completely drained

close my eyes

Tears pour out like rain

Take a breath

Let it out

take another

Let it out

One more

Let it out

Feeling the same 

but better

Still in pain

not so bitter

Can’t believe 

that I was so close

too close if you ask me

Close my eyes

Take a breath

Let it out

Shook it off Now I’m calm.

You had such a problem

with my talking to him

you hated it- loathed it

Said why did I need him

I had you

Having you is great

It’s one way to cope

but when you are the problem

You need a third party

for a sounding board

Why am I even explaining

myself to you-

You don’t care

Your only concern is

you con’t control me any longer