Poem 24- The end at last

It has been a journey

Like all journeys

There is a beginning and an end

And now the end has come

I curl up to it and hold it in my heart

I carry the words and the flow and the longing

My back hurts

My head nods

My eyes can no longer see

I imagine the sleep I will enter into

As soon as this is complete

And I slow

Just a tad

My companion Duke the cat

Slumbers without me

My bed calls to me

And I will end this marathon here

In a cautious and grateful

Good night, good morning and good Lord I am glad it is done!

Hour 23-The Studio above my Grandparents House

I watched the world

Out bold tall windows

A window box below

Bookcases on either side

Filled with Reader’s Digest Condensed Books

And odd books by authors

long forgotten

The window box overlooked the railroad tracks

My favorite place

To read or watch the endless streams of trains

 

The ceiling bowed with the roof

Making the room look more octagonal

than square

I can smell the must

The dust even now

I can see the pine trees and the neighbors walk

Their heads jumping above the hedge

 

The deck was too public

Reaching beyond the tiny apartment

Too many people said hello

But I could sit

On the window box

Unnoticed.

It was sanctuary

Long gone after Grandma’s death

I would dream of the room often

The bed that slid into the wall

The pull down desk that hung by gold chains

Filled with cubbie holes to rifle through

 

The angled closets throughout

Odd containers of a life lived inside

Memories and keepsakes

The small black and white TV that barely had reception

The couch, scratchy and pinkish

That folded magically into a bed

A small two top table

And a kitchen, overlooking the deck

My first bachelor pad at 12

When I spent the summer alone with them

My first apartment

My first dream of independence

A field trip into adulthood

Under the careful eyes of my grandparents below

 

Poem 22- Blue Clouds whisper

Blue clouds whisper

Nights are for sleeping

The moon nods in gentle agreement

Stars beat a gentle rumba

The palm trees play bongos

In the gentle breeze

The blue clouds whisper

Nights are for sleeping

But I know better

Nights are for writing

The blue clouds are always wrong

 

 

Poem 21- Letter to my Porm, prom, Powm, poem

Dear Poems,

 

You lied to me

You swore this would be easy

That you would be here

In my darkest hours

That I would find solace in your simple rhythm

Your joyful rhyme

Your melodious metaphor

your stunning simile

But after 21 hours

you are like the lover

That will not leave

You want breakfast and cuddles

You want my full attention

For me it is just word porn now

You toy with me

I indulge you

But I get nothing in return

My back aches, my head pounds

Yet still you demand

I can barely think

But you want more, much much more

You want all of me

Until my brain shrivels

And my fingers flail about

You own me

You miserable miser of misery

Poetry

It will do you good they said

And now I stand on the streetcorner

begging the muses for a morsel

Anything to get me through

Poetry

Keep it away from your children

And your grandmother

It will do you no good

In the dead of night

When your eyes want to close

And turn it to prose

But the poem, just badgers

And commands

A demanding lover til the bitter caustic end

Poem 20-Pajamas

I love pajamas

Soft rainbows of light fabric

No belts or tight crotches

No bones or pockets of keys

Liquid lounging

Without a bra

A cat fast asleep by my side

The gentle breathing of rest

the perfect blend of gentle caress and

restful relaxation

If only all clothes were more

Pajama like

Soft, cuddly

Loose lines and open cuts

And the girls could roam free

Without a care

What a wonderful

Flannel fantasy

It would be

 

 

 

 

Poem 19- sanity or not

In my family

sanity doesn’t come cheap

the stream of psycho joins us together

A stiff thread or a raging rope

We strum the strings of insanity

Like a well tuned band

Maybe it was all the creativity

The early reading

Maybe after generations of addictions

And prescriptions

Predictions and contradictions

It comes over us like fog

Engulfing the hill side

We march to a different drummer

Who cannot hold a beat

that lives in another county

 

Phobias,

Paranoias

OCD and delusions of martyrdom

poetry and piano playing

mixed with

artistic fervor and

feverish wonder

Sanity never claimed my family

We have to earn it, strive for it

And sometimes we must avoid each other

Avoid the murmurs of mayhem

and focus on friendships

And the familiar

and just focusing on focusing

We cannot blame, we are all the same

A part of us all

can claim to be insane

in my family

sanity doesn’t come cheap

For most of us

it doesn’t come at all

And the rest of us?

It is lurking right around the corner.

In it’s birthday suit and a bouquet of gardenias

Poem 18-Duke the Cat

He has a bulls-eye on his side.

A twirl design.

His previous owners called him Duke.

The Duke of Swirl.

He is sleeping for once.

Silent. It is welcome.

He likes to talk, to tell me about his day.

About how angry he is that I stayed away at work.

That his wet food is cold and his dry food is stale.

 

He likes to go out the front door and two minutes later come in the back.

And he wants out again a few minutes, just because.

He loves bringing presents,

Rats, dead and alive,

Small birds, an occasional large bug.

He is generous to a fault.

 

He has not quite figured out doors.

That he cannot stand in them,

half in and half out.

That the bathroom door opens

With just a push of the nose.

Or that doors are closed to keep him out.

He wants to be everywhere.

He tells us so.

 

Ceiling fans are a mystery.

He watches them and studies them.

His human Father is a mystery too.

He isn’t sure what to do when the large human picks him up

Talking kitty scat to him.

 

He sleeps with me. Nightly.

Snuggling close for warmth,

Even on hot nights.

He attacks my toes in the middle of the night.

I swear at him. He meows back.

 

He watches the microwave carefully as it hisses at him.

 

He follows me from one room to the next

He wants me to follow him outside,

for safety or company,

To share his adventure perhaps.

 

He comes home and jumps on the bed,

insisting for my full attention.

All of it. No playing on my phone

No putting things away.

It is his time, his special time with me.

 

His vocabulary is vast.

We struggle

I do not speak kitty well.

He is teaching me.

We teach each other.

 

I heard him say NO

More than once.

 

Duke is resting now

Before his next parade for food

I can write of him

I can love him

But i can never ignore him

He is the Duke of Swirl.

 

Hour 17- Broken Heart

I awoke from the dream

Crying

I called to Bear

He came to me

He held me and I sobbed in his arms

I dreamed he would leave me

He promised he would not

And the feeling subsided

There would be two more dreams

Dreams where I walked alone

My heart breaking

But continuing on

Bear hating me in the dreams

Not speaking except in anger

The feeling so familiar

So remembered

From the grade school friend at 10

To my first official boyfriend at 13

To my broken marriage

Broken friendships

So many more goodbyes

Than I could count

The death of my grandparents and my parents

Death of my nieces and my nephew

A trail of my own tears drowning me

Haunting me at night as I slept alone

Remembering I can always survive

I always do, I always will

But the destitution

The crumbled walls of loneliness

They haunt me

I know the goodbyes are inevitable

Hearts get broken

People leave voluntarily or not

It is being haunted

By goodbyes and angry memories

The ghosts hold me in chains

I try to break free

But they always come back

I will inevitably end up alone

Poem 16- I Believe in the Sky

I believe in the sky

Kernels of karma

gathering inside

Clouded mists of rain

Ideas wander

From lightening to star

From moon to space

I believe in the sky

Twirling infinity

All becomes eternal

Unknowable

We are small incidents

Crossing a moment in time

Inconsequential

Yet limitless

The i becomes the I,I becomes the Eye

I believe in the sky

Hour 15- My Heart

I lay on the table

Wires pressed into my body

I closed my eyes

As the technician

Uses his wand

Pressing into my skin

I can hear my heart

On his monitor

A slushy steady thump

He moves his wand around

Talking and feeling

He would tell me when to breathe

And when not to breathe

My heart now beat inside my chest

and outside too

As if I had two hearts

One within and one floating through the room

The technician would stop and hold to take a picture

One particular spot catching his eye

I could tell by his lack of communicating

He was studying and wondering

My heart had a weakness

But was very strong

He told me again and again

How strong it was

As it beat inside me and outside me too

I knew it really was strong

It had weathered love and divorce

Loss and hope

Later the Doctor would explain

The small aneurism

That would later disappear

But the sound of my heart

Beating

Two places at once

It would be all right to give it away

It could beat inside me

And inside someone else too

I could keep it safe while giving it away

It was a strong heart

I had heard it for myself

And the technician had told me so

 

 

 

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