The Poetry Marathon

sometimes
everything
can go right

in the morning

Coffee
freshly brewed
coats my insides
with warm hugs

its the only way
to stay awake
sometimes

You were never abandoned
I wanted you
to know
I planned to return

There was broken
off shards of glass
left in my heart

burning lights
head nods and kisses

I longed for you
I squattered in vacant houses
with you

Willing to be
nowhere to be found
as long as it was with you

You finished early
leaving me holding the books
by the class you never planned to attend
holding the keys to a house
you never planned to return to

It was you
who abandoned me
telling me to pick my head up

as you mind fucked me
masturbating my brain
with ideas
you had no intention
to perform

It was I who couldn’t see
until
I could
You were worse than where you started
and settled for tied sheets
between homes
when one was always enough

squattering your own respect away
over a place to stay
secured with false love

then you look me up
telling me its not what it was cracked up to be
when it was

Its cooler at night
the moon shines like the sun

the darkness
rocks me to relaxation

holding me like sleep

I walk aware
of my surroundings
even in darkness
I keep my distance from strangers

no sound
but nature songs
in a trancelike state
I let go

silencing my mind
to just be one
for once
with the darkness
around me

Imperfections
are noticeable first

Beauty isn’t a requirement
it was a temporary perk

one now discounted
as looks invade
fragility
everything
is magnified
here

I have
always struggled with my body
even then I saw myself
bigger than I was
breast and feet size
made me stuff and shrink

the way my bone stuck out in the center of my chest
made me want to cover up

my mother learned this
of me

I can barely see
without glasses
even blind imperfections
remain magnified

she wanted me to believe something else

There is always a gold lining
in disappointment
in body
in personal journeys

Getting right
isn’t the end of my ambition
parts have to accept these emotions
in order to live
to thrive

I learned to avoid mirrors
take scarce selfies
and work more on my inside

Outside is only surface

the light from within
is what lives on

Sit with yourself
in quiet stillness
sprinkle negative thoughts with glitter

embrace the fullness
of humbleness and charm

I never cared to be the prettiest
just to be
a simple different
with a calm settling beauty

some version of inspiration
to the least noticeable
ones

I carried myself as solitude
slow to react
nearly delayed

untangling myself
from mirrored disappointments

hydrating my hollow
with poems and creativity

I dug out

Collaging the pieces of what
was rinsed away in tears
cleansing my transition from darkness
to light

Lifting images from the roots
of who I was born to be

There is more to me in here

Isolation and layered trauma
creates the the best mixed media
portraits
of the person that was always
right here

Me

I care nothing about anyone to beg
I’ve done that before
drunken
ashamed
begging why not me?
Haven’t I proven myself to be worthy?

In your eyes
as if my own didn’t matter

My sight thrived on how I lived in others minds
maybe I can prove my love
when in fact it was never doubted

I was always invisible
alone in relationships
complimented just enough
to be brave
knowing it didn’t mean that I wasn’t afraid
it just meant
I am here
for now

I am no longer
even present for myself
still unraveling
in doing for my kids

can’t even say I’m caring for them
because Im struggling
through my own mind

still not begging
just moving

I’m okay with being lonely
I find comfort in invisible
sometimes that is what I prefer

To know the difference
in intuition from fear
has been a great struggle

the signs were red
blinking

8 minutes later something happened
something I knew

I saw it
but I gambled
shrugging it to fear

Gave them a chance
when it wasn’t their turn
it was mine

I should have listened
should have noticed
should have said NO

I agreed
to betray my
own self

with a doubtful yes

I will do it

I had never been asked if I needed help before
It seemed uncertain
like a want
rather than a need

I shrugged it off
lifted 50 lbs
and tied it down

I can do it
the load is always heavy

The most stressful job
is being a parent

I long for quiet

for a few moments
for a space to hold
myself

Mama,
Maaaammmmaaaaa
Mama
Maaammmaaaaaaaa

Mama
Maaaaaammmmmaaaa

What’s for dinner?
Help me
I need you

it is tough
All the
time
to answer to someone else

Every moment of every day
I forgot how fun I can be

Mama can you see me?

I forgot what life was like when I only took care of myself

Mama look at my art.
Mama look at this video.

Mama, she hit me
Mama I think you don’t like me
Mama mama Mama Mama Mama

If I could I would resign

Death seems satisfying
It’s there for you when you need it

It is a circulating vulture

Slow travel is the way we hope to go
Of Old age or in our sleep
as if we have free previews
or a taste of death tour
without leaving home

Ordering from a menu
reasoning our stay
death does not negotiate

Its destination is anywhere