A painting with blue hues
Portrays a stone buddha in all his glory
Serenity, tranquility, contentment
The expression not unknown
A show of benevolence
And it’s me, who looks at this visage
Reaching for, wishing for
Who knows what?
Maybe the peace reflected
Maybe it’s the thought of mercy?
Praying, without words
Asking, without opening arms
Thinking, is it possible
To have something without paying for it
In this world…
Of Gods, made of stone
Of people, made of greed
Of my own soul, made of avarice
And a heart, full of blood and life
Whose price was the death of a star.
This is a stunning poem Bhasha! The Stone Buddha is full of beautiful imagery and contrasts. I love the lines…”Praying without words”…”Asking without opening arms”…”Of people made of greed”…”of my Soul made out of avarice…” Stunning philosophical poem. Well done! This is one of my choices! I hope you submit this…So visual-lovely and though provoking!
Thank you ^^
Responding to your request for improvement: I liked this poem as is! Its tough to find what can be done to improve, because your wordsmithing is really good.
I would suggest reading aloud so the syllable ‘matching’ with paired lines can be achieved. However it is really upto the poet… for e.g. in Praying, without words
Asking, without opening arms, both lines are powerful, only the syllables makes a difference in music. In contrast, your lines ‘Of Gods, made of stone
Of people, made of greed’ are perfect!
Of course it might be just what you intended so I wouldn’t change anything unless you really think you’d like to.
Sometimes brevity of words work and sometimes it hinders. The choice of what to use, where is up to the artist, imho.
Hope this helps! 🙂
Thank you so much for the help! Now that I read it keeping your words in mind, it makes more sense. Also, I assure you, absolutely nothing here was intended… I just kind of went with whatever words came to me at that time. That’s why, I am really grateful for your comment… it helped me notice something I would never have on my own.
Your poem is a gem. Images and rhythm that make for poetry, I think. You also have emotional depth and meaning to offer.
That said, the previous commenter references echo some of mine. I like a poem that tries for brevity when possible.
My suggestions are about getting to the heart of your poem sooner rather than later and some suggestions for flowing the rhythm differently. These are only suggestions and you don’t have to take them, especially if I missed your point in the choices you have made in creating your poem.
“A painting with blue hues / Portrays”
• I think there’s no need to reference the prompt here; you pick it up when you write about the “visage” later in the poem. Maybe just start with the rest of that second line and go forward.
“The expression not unknown / A show of benevolence”
• not sure what you’re trying to say here. What expression is not known? Not known by whom? The Buddha? Is the benevolence just a show or is it genuine? Baffles me but maybe it’s just me.
“who looks at this visage”
maybe start with the continuous verb tense (-ing ending) so that it matches the tense in the following line and they flow together (“looking “rather than “who looks”). This also creates action and saves the question for the “who” question that comes next. After that, it flows into a series of questions.
“Maybe it’s the thought of mercy?”
•if you delete “it’s” the rhythm better matches the previous line. And the lines following pick up on the previous use of the continuous tense in your verbs.
I found the last lines – “Praying, without words” to “Whose price was the death of a star.” — very effective and moving. I wouldn’t change a thing there.
Hope this was helpful.
This was really helpful! Thank you so much so all the suggestions. Nothing here was intentional really, I just wrote whatever words came to me… that’s why I am glad I asked for help. Now that I read these feedbacks, my vision, for this poem specifically and for the general art as well, has become more clear. I understand where to pay attention now a little better. For that, I am thankful to you and @skay .
Wow. I don’t know yhat i eould change anything. I love everything about this poem, from the imagery to the compate/contrast between people and their dieties. Well done. Ill look at it again on a bit, but nothing i can think of now in regards to the help you adked for. Very well done.