That night
Must enter her other mindset before she arrives
Weirdly standing back supporting loving
Cant I do all the same
But still wow, alone home writing during
Thinking imagining where she is
Two different paths in my mind
One knows she did this many times
One wildly enticed and struggling
Last night dreaming about it – the seedy allure
She still makes me feel special
She works hard to make it ok
My calming mother about to fucked and spat on
I would do the same
I did the same
If I had slept I would be anxious
Feeling mechanical
I want to accept her love, weird a niggle holds me back
Fleeing to her immediately
She pulls back from kissing me
Her loving mouth still in its numb mode.
she doesn’t want to inflict the corruption
I think she must feel unlovable
Enacting to be so totally used
Exposed to what blights her peace and darkens from her earliest days
She expects it to happen again, better on her terms than against
Not drugged and not sold, but voluntary this time.
Every rational cog dedicated to justifying
an object in someone else’s game
The empty saying of nice things is a tiny cost for such lust.
Finding someone already ‘broken in’ by trauma
a gift of an outlet for those wanting to abuse.
Earliest intimacy determining
Before she could think this went inside.
Play a return to childhood,
but what a childhood!
I met her there, on the floor, in the saliva and unknown semen.
In heart I held her hair back and touched her tears.
She couldn’t hug him in the end – she couldn’t pretend this time.
She knew I was there.
I am no better, almost certainly worse.
I give her all of me knowing I will always fall short.
He fucked me too
Its not new
Comfortably numb beside my love
Two half children attempting a whole.
