16. Love does not go by this name
It came to me like a thief in the night out of the blue one weekend I fell for its lure. I prayed to God to help me decipher if it was true. After the encounter, I would not ever be the same. The name it goes by is far from its aftermath. For nearly two years I thought I was in pure bliss. Instead I see much clearer now that I was caught in the abyss. Every kind word or treatment I question on the integrity of what was said or done. To tell you the truth it should have had me running for the hills, too afraid to encounter its depth or the pain it caused. All I ever feared came to pass, and what I did not know in the end I did not seek out. I had no choice but to remain strong. After everything I went through it’s a wonder I could ever speak of it again. I was steadfast in my mind that I would not let it kill the innocence or the hope that resided in me. I am too afraid to say it resembled the four letter word so many have used without conscience. Too precious to name. I leave it unsaid, knowing I will not ever be the same.
It came to me like a thief in the night out of the blue one weekend I fell for its lure. I prayed to God to help me decipher if it was true. After the encounter, I would not ever be the same.The name it goes by is far from its name or the aftermath it would cause. For nearly two years I thought I was in pure bliss. Instead I see much clearer now that I was caught in the abyss.
Every kind word or treatment I question on the integrity of what was said or done. To tell you the truth I did not know if he was the one. This did not scare me and it should have had me running in the opposite direction, too afraid to encounter its depth or lack of perception. Instead I was forced to experience the pain it would eventually cause.
Then it turned into a he. It was no longer a mystery. He was a con and my heart was a casualty, or so everyone thinks. Even though I was always vocal with the questions I had I did not ever back down. I was fooled in the beginning because I thought I had met my match in affection and heart.
He mirrored in me all my deep desires without asking and I mirrored back all the good I had stored in my heart. Synchronosites too many to name. It was not only him or it that had me hooked in this mysterious web; it was the spaces inbetween that could not be planned or faked that had me believing in “we”. Growth was more than a possibility.
I wish I could say I was duped 100 percent, but I was not a complete fool to fall for the four letter word, so many desperately seek. I knew my worth, yet I was willing to bend and when I saw the cracks I filled them with gold seeking the soul connection above the rest. The human flaws are always thereto see. I did not need 2020 to clear my vision from the veil that had already been lifted. Politically we were not aligned, yet I did not allow this to stop what I thought was built on genuine trust and care. Who was I to judge? This was not a testament to its very definition. I was caught in a web of deception or perhaps a deliberate plan or so I have come to see. Perhaps he believed what he said. It does not matter now, because I was betrayed by two, not out of lust, but possibly greed, something more sinister indeed. I will not ever have the chance to find out the truth and accept this reality because my energy and time is too precious to waste on someone so callous and cruel in the end.
Every question I had I turned into a challenge I could handle. All I ever feared came to pass, and what I did not know in the end I did not seek out. I let it be and only fought to protect my name for if he could take more than my earthly possession he would have. I had no choice but to remain strong. After everything I went through it’s a wonder I could ever speak of it again. I was steadfast in my mind that I would not let “it” or “he” kill the innocence or the hope that resided in me. I am too afraid to say it resembled the four letter word so many have used without conscience, and too precious to name. I leave it unsaid, knowing I will not ever be the same because at one time “he” and “it” were one in the same.